I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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