He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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