Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
