My underwear smells like fireworks.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Is it penis luge time yet?
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
