The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I lost the right to judge tonight
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
