there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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