Your face is a jimmy john
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
