mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
