In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
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You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
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