you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize
