If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
