My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
