Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
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My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
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Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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