the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Randomize
