Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Randomize
