you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Randomize
