I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
he's gonorrhea incarnate
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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