I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
