i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
