Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
