you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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