I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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