The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
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