We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
it's great music for shaving your balls
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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