Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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