They should really pass out barf bags in church
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
