Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
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