i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
We left the knife in your bed.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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