The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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