You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
