wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
