They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
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