There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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