There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
She bit a glass in half.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
