Joe is yelling at the trees again.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
