i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
