I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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