I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
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