i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize