I just threw up on my dentist
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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