Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Randomize