I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
