dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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