I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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