even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
