So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
