cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
How's work?
Spinning.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
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