i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
