i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
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