Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
His nipple licking is glorious
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