So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I looked at my own cervix.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
