Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
