I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Randomize
