you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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