How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Randomize
