If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Randomize
