remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
i think my mom watched the whole time
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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