Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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