If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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